I had always wanted twins. I mean, when I finally legitimately thought I could bear offspring and not leave them on the roof of my car trying to get out the door, I thought - Wouldn't it be cute and sweet and ideal to have a boy and a girl, both at the same time, so I can get it all over with. **Cringe**. Yes, before I even knew how hard it was, I was guessing I would have the feelings I would want to sail through the rough times all at once, and leave them in a shadow of dust by the time my children hit first grade. Knowing what I know now, the Good Lord knew I would have no way of handling myself with twins, and chose to give me the best alternative. A terribly tiny son and a gigantic daughter.
What would I do without these sweet faces? I can't imagine my life without them. What if they never were? Or never could have been?
The Birds and the Bees
Would the quintessential Birds and Bees conversation be handled differently if you knew your child couldn't have children? Would you still teach it the same way? What if they asked to learn about it before junior high - would you let them know they can't have children? Or would you wait until they're old enough so you could go over the medical reason's why - not just the divine ones.....This past week Toby had his first check up since being on Growth Hormone Therapy. Aside from fighting with his systems to combat a nasty ear infection (requiring a repeat injection of antibiotics from his pediatrician), we had our regularly scheduled appointment with the doctor that's taken control of my son's pituitary gland - pumping through his skin a synthetic version of a hormone his body is incapable of producing. We've talked at length about other issues his absence of anterior pituitary can cause, and he's almost sure that Toby will not be able to produce enough of the male sexual reproductive hormone testosterone when the time comes he'll need to.
There are indications through all of Toby's hospitalizations and testing that he has not been able to produce a correct amount of testosterone so far. This is called male hypogonadism. Like Growth Hormone,it's also produced by his pituitary gland and is very hard to determine at this stage of his life how insufficient he is. Untreated, it can cause delayed puberty, reproductive insufficiency or both. Because we are concerned at this point, we have decided to trial testosterone injections, to see how Toby's tiny body responds to them. This means that for 4-6 months, he will get an injection of testosterone monthly so we can evaluate how his body responds. The goal is that this controlled test will tell us that Toby can receive testosterone as he reaches puberty age, and will respond to it to develop normally into a young man. Worst case scenario - his body shows no change - and we have yet another road to tackle when he grows that I can't even begin to think about right now.
I sit and think in the office - softened and confused hearing all of this information - and ask the only question I can think of - "Will he be able to have children?" Following with "I know he's only 2, but I can't help but think about it....."
The doctor's response was warm and polite, and reassuring that I was not crazy and it was a good question....."We won't know if he'll be able to have children until he's older. There is a chance he will require fertility treatment in order to bear offspring." He continued to explain to me that after we see how his body reacts to the testosterone, we'll know better how to advance with treatment when he's older. As a young boy - around 8 or 9, we would most likely be sent to a fertility doctor who can better give us odds and options at that point to harvest Toby's little men and freeze them, in the event he won't be able to produce an adequate enough of reproductive runners when he's a man.
While the response is encouraging given the circumstances, I am at a loss thinking about how hard it would be to explain to a young boy he can't have children. I know, please don't remind me. I'm fully aware of many things. 1. He's 2. 2. They never said he couldn't have children. 3. Even if they eventually say its unlikely he'll have children, they haven't factored in the help that fertility medication can provide. 4. Miracles do exist - I've seen them personally in the form of a sweet baby girl from dear friends of ours. Who against all odds became pregnant with their daughter after years of heartbreakingly trying to conceive.
Listen I get it. But at times I'm just piling this stress onto the rest of the whoa is me mentality I've gotten too comfortable wallowing in, when another thing just piles to the top and I feel like at any moment I'll lose the last corner I can breathe in. How can I share the glorious, divine, beautiful process of child bearing with my children if one of them won't be able to do it? Doesn't that completely change the concept of God's work? What sense will that make to an 8 year old?
I know I'm asking these questions to soon - and I have no right to torment myself over this dilemma when I should be worrying more about finding Toby new shoes for his fast growing feet and planning a birthday party for my soon to be 1 year old. (Gah!) But in the back of my mind, when I see him walk up to a baby and smile ear to ear, I will always wonder what I'm going to say, and how he's going to respond. And my heart will break a little bit at the thought I will hurt him again, more than just with my needles, but with my words.
At least there is good......
Toby's report is in and he's grown over an inch and half and gained over 2 lbs in just 3 short months on Growth Hormone Therapy. His endocrinologist was more than pleased, and up'd his dose to keep him on target. Toby now FINALLY back on the growth charts - coming in at a whopping 3% in weight and 0.55% in height. Hey, when you've been swimming in the dark depths of zeros, seeing any number above that is like being given a gold medal.When we plotted his growth, his doctor is estimating Toby to be 5'3, unable to accurately guess how well Growth Hormone will increase this until we see a full year of "catch up growth" and see how his body is responding. Even so, growth hormone therapy fluctuates so much - so the longer he's on it, the better the chances are he'll far surpass his standard estimation. My heart swells at the thought of him being "normal" around his peers, and not having to worry about his appearance. Focus on this.
Toby is HAPPY. Toby is SMART. Toby can SEE. Toby is ALIVE. Toby is the cutest thing I've ever seen. (and I have the pleasure of laying my eyes on some pretty cute things through the day.)
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that he and my daughter are in my life, and I know that for every trial comes a lesson. I will learn what to say, and how to feel. And I will support my tiny boy through anything the Lord places in this path.
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
- Christopher Robin to Pooh
Thank you for Listening,
Lindsey
