NO MORE CHILDREN

Dear Toby and Lyla, 

I need you to know something very important - You are the reason I won't be having more children. Your nonstop, constant, ever-present need to have me hold you, feed you, clean you and medicate you. You are all consuming.  You give me wrinkles, and grey hairs.  You're expensive! And you cry and whine, and scream when the other one is trying to sleep - for that matter - when I'm trying to sleep! You make me want to go to bed early and sleep in late. You climb in the fireplace, and pull down the curtain rods.  You take FOREVER to climb up the stairs in front of me when my arms are loaded.  You ask to get the mail and then throw it in the street.  You choke on itty bitty tiny pieces of food making me forget all logic of how and when to apply the Heimlich maneuver.  I CANT dress you without you sitting still, and I get so pissed off. 

And I want so many more of you.  A whole bus load.  I want to have to get a special van that looks like I'm a caterer or contractor, but instead its just because I need enough rows of seats to fit you all. I want 10 more hands to hold, and feet to kiss.  I want to cut up 5 more hot dogs at dinner time, and pop 5 more tiny straws in juice boxes.  I want to smell a handful more of tiny necks right after bath time, while I'm putting you down. 

But I'm not.  Because we have this. 

This perfect mixture of crazy and content.  A little gremlin for each adult to wrangle.  The perfect array of shades of blue and kinds of balls, and hints of pink and flowers.  We have enough bedrooms, and bathrooms, and budget.  We have the right number of seats in our car, and spots in our king size bed.  We are exactly what we were meant to be - unequivocally unavoidable, Predestined to be together, Perfectly Imperfect.  And I love us.

You are the reason I am not having anymore children, because I have decided to give myself only to you.  When you need my hands, there will be one for each of you - ALWAYS. 

Love, 
Mom 

Lets face it - I'm getting the itch 

If you haven't deducted by the letter above, you should probably assume that the act of getting rid of every baby item in my home has caused me to have a mental breakdown of sorts.  Lyla turns one in a few short days.  She hasn't been able to fit in her baby swing in MONTHS, but for some reason I kept it tucked away.  You know, just in case.  Well, we're cleaning house, and everything's going. I'm feeling a crazy mixture of relief and sadness all at once.  A feeling that EVERY mother has gone through but none can articulate the words to make it make sense.  The bipolar thoughts, crashing against one another; they're so difficult to make sense of.  How do I know I'm done?  What if I'm making a mistake? What if there should be 1 (2, 3, 4) more?  Give me a sign, that I'm done, Please?! 

The world is built for a family of four, my husband affirms.  We have a boy and a girl, what more could we need?  I nod, and reflect, and honestly, whole heartedly agree - and as I do, a wave of sadness rushes over me.  When they don't need me, who will? 

So this feeling, I'm gathering, will NEVER go away.  This feeling of needing to nurture.  To mother.  To protect.  Not just my growing children, but a baby.  I have to accept the fact that it will never go away, and I have to content myself with the fact that even if I had 10 more children, I would still want another one.  Unmistakable now is the love of a grandmother. They get to repeat these feelings, and, give the child back at the end of the day!  It must be the best of both worlds! 

I know that most of the time, I make no sense whatsoever.  I write one thing one day, and the opposite the other.  But what boring kind of life would I have if I felt the same thing everyday? There have to be bad days so I can appreciate the good days.  There have to be sick days so we can give thanks for the healthy ones.  I have to WANT more children so that I can appreciate the two I have.  Embracing negative thoughts, echoing into positive. Thankfulness for the gifts we have been given.  This is fundamentally what I have to adopt, in order to sail through the rest of my life with the dignity and passion my children deserve from their mother.  

Thank you God for these Precious Gifts. 

Thank you for Listening, 
Lindsey