Two things need to be known. First, it's that time of the month. I'm sorry, I know this is totally TMI, but I have to make it clear why my normal take no prisoners attitude about parenthood has turned into a pile of weepy, sappy mush. Second, I'm away from my children on a business trip. I don't hear their screams, or see them falling and narrowly avoiding sudden death every hour. I haven't changed dirty diaper after dirty diaper in a few days. I'm only feeding and bathing myself. It's important you understand this.
In my last post, I used the terminology referencing my motherhood as sucky. And that it was considered servitude. I'm sorry. In hindsight, I should have chosen my words more wisely. I'm a jerk.
While I was at the airport, I witnessed a child leaving their mother. It was obvious this mother did not want their child to go. Blatantly. Obvious. I don't know where he was going, or why. Maybe he was going to camp, or on a mission trip, or perhaps with another parent for the summer - but one thing was made clear - there's no feeling that can match a child being taken away from a parent.
Sometimes, when I blog, I'm torn between being brutally honest with myself and others, and walking a line with being insensitive. Having a passive audience as a sounding board can be both good and bad at the same time. If they read it and they don't "like" it, do they not LIKE it? Maybe it's my hormones, maybe it's the absence of my children - but I'm second guessing the terminology I used last post. I'm sorry to any parents that may have read it who were torn or in complete disagreement, because they don't have the same luxury of being with their child. I mean, really sorry. Like water wells up in my eyes sorry.
No amount of worry, or lack of sleep, (or washing or cleaning or money - the list could go on) would EVER make me ungrateful or regretful of having my children in my life. I'm hopeful you understand that every venting post I write, is just that, venting - and is in no way intended to be taken in its literal form. I KNOW there are other mothers reading this that completely understand where my words stem from - but I'm also fearful of those mothers and fathers, or grandmothers and grandfathers, or childless adults - who read my entries and long for days or times when they can see children in their lives. I envision them saying - I long for the days of a baby to wake me up in the middle of night asking for my snuggles. I yearn to hear the laughs of a child. I wish I could be back with my kid/s.
I'm so sorry. I am beyond blessed. I am eternally grateful. I am humbled each day. I am thankful to God for a reality check, and I am thankful to you for staying close by and following our story - without judgement. We love you.
Thank you for listening,
Lindsey
Thank you for this post Lindsey. It had me in tears ( as all of them do but this time it was because you reached out about what i go through as a parent. ) It really touched me to read what you wrote because i feel like nobody in my life understands what i go through as i'm sure you feel that way about what you are going through. But God understands and he has gathered every tear and heard every desperate cry and he will never leave you. He understands. He is a healer. nothing is too hard for God! I can't imagine what you are going through. I admire your courage, strength and love for your babies. You and Parker are amazing parents and Toby and Lyla are so blessed to have you as mommy and daddy. I am continually praying for you guys. I can't believe i havn't had the chance to meet Toby and lyla. They are precious and adorable and i hope to see you guys soon. Love and hugs <3
ReplyDeleteRheannon Koehler ( i am posting under my fiance's account lol )