Tiny Toby: Reflections on Growing, God, and Never Giving Up: Swimming upstream The Denial River

I wish I could start this entry telling you how wonderful things have been going. That we have seen such a drastic improvement with Toby, and I have nothing to share but positive grateful thoughts. But alas, I've been in denial, hoping a praying as each day passes that it won't be like the last - and it is. We're back into our vomiting cycle. And I'm furious at myself.

I've learned over the past year of testing, trials, and tribulations to not get my hopes up. While my key theme is keeping optimistic, having bright cheery thoughts in the face of pain, pushing through my fear with faith and hope - sometimes I think it might be better to be a pessimist. Then you aren't let down when things don't work.

I'm not sure why I thought this time was it. We've tried new things before and they haven't worked, and I'm okay because I don't get my hopes up - we crumple that hope in a ball and throw it in the can. But this time, for some reason, I just KNEW this was it. I for sure thought this would stop his vomiting and we could move forward into some normalcy with eating and growing. But, about 10 days ago, Toby vomited while choking on a piece of cereal. Having shoved too many cocoa balls in his mouth, I smacked his back to dislodge them, and they popped out, along with the rest of the contents of his stomach. I disregarded this episode as being connected to his issues. But the next day, he threw up a little again, and the next day, again while eating watermelon. Each time, I disregarded it as a singular episode, not related to his problems, because I wanted SO bad for this to be over. I was indeed, swimming upstream and against current, in the Denial River.

Each day Toby takes 3 different medications multiple times throughout the day to prevent his vomiting.

A single overnight at grandmas now involves an inventory of supplies and directions to bring along.

Its been 10 days in a row of vomiting. Wednesday the kids were at the other babysitters house - the original - and I just so happened to still be on that side of town when I remembered I forget to drop her payment off (as my mother was picking them up this week). I had pulled in the drive and hid the money under her flower pot on the porch, then gave her a ring as I was pulling out of her driveway to let her know. When she answered, she shared that Toby had just projectile vomited, 4 times. I turned my car around. Sometimes you are just meant to be in the right place at the right time. Any other day, I would have been 30 minutes away. Not today.

Toby was not happy, pale and splotchy from getting sick. I checked his sugars and gave him a bath, while the sitter tended to Lyla and the other children. I phoned his multiple doctors and they all gave me the green light to stay home as long as his sugars stayed in check. They did the rest of the day, and we chalked this episode up to the madness that is consuming his tiny body. I hate it.

Our GI appointment moved up, and more testing scheduled. God, grant me the serenity.

On a positive note?? We picked out our frames. I really wanted to get him either the hipster thick black frames, or the nice grown up rectangle ones - but these were the only ones we could find that fit his face. I think they make him look like a tiny, sophisticated, smart, heart throb. Like if Bill Gates and Brad Pitt were morphed into one man and went back in a time machine to his toddler years. Or, I also think he now looks like the kid from Jerry McGuire. Also pretty awesome.

Did you know the human head weighs 8 lbs?

We're told that he really needs oval lenses because of the type of issues he has - its a good thing he didn't like the rectangle ones to begin with :)

Or the bright red ones for that matter.

Servitude

The other day, I was scrolling through my feed, clicking on links and blogs and photos, winding through the net - and I stumbled my way onto a blog of a sweet new mom explaining why she didn't have time for anyone else in her life. The photo showing one baby attached to her boob, and a toddler eating cereal off the floor, she continued to invoke humorous empathy by sharing the daily struggles raising two blossoming kiddos can cause. Embedded in her message, the fact that she really did, in all honestly, want to make time for her friends and adult time - but she just couldn't. It was in no way their fault, and she loved them to bits and pieces, but she just needed a little more time to get past these rough times with her bambinos, and then she would be free to get caught up on much needed grown up time.

The blog, for me, was just another one of those whoa is me mom blogs (hey I like them, I get them - Hell I've even written a few... but aside from a small laugh or two, she ain't sayin' nothing I haven't already thought myself). But, I was astounded when I read the comments. Generally speaking, I don't like to keep scrolling to see the comments (I find I get angry and annoyed very easily by these, and frankly my children and husband do that for me enough, so I don't need another avenue to acquire those feelings). Reader after reader posted comments like - "This just sounds like a list of reasons why NOT to have children". Slamming the blogger - "I sure hope your "friends" are there when you finally make time for them." The list went on and on. Surely, SOMEone would post an encouraging word or two - SOMEone whose been there and understands.

When I got pregnant with Lyla and learned my children were going to be 17 months apart, I was ecstatic (after the shock wore off of coarse). Time and time again, people would say, you're going to love that they're so close in age - it's perfect! Not once did someone respond honestly. Not one person, even my own mother or mother in law, who had been through raising children this close in age, really give me the 411. Let me be the first to say - this SUCKS. Its hard. Not like, taking the math section of the SATs hard, I mean like - trying to run a marathon when you can barely go up a flight of stairs without being winded hard. I realize, though, this too shall pass. I do understand that one day the positives of having them close in age will most certainly outweigh the almighty negativity that is me scrambling to keep my head above water, keeping them alive and thriving, and on a good day, happy.

Take away the fact that my son has numerous medical issues, even a perfectly healthy toddler and a perfectly healthy baby would most certainly cause the exhaustion and toil that my children do. Why is it that, even when we blog to a world of strangers, we have to try and put a positive spin on it. Why does everything we say have to be happy and cheery? Can't I just tell a friend - I'm sorry, I would much rather close my eyes than sit at a bar and have a drink with you? The last time I checked - friendship wasn't measured in how many times one sees each other in a given time period - or for that matter - how often they speak to one another. And thank God I didn't have any friends respond to my disappearing act that is motherhood in a way that would make me feel guilt for choosing sleep and quiet over an evening with them. No amount of time or distance will ever splinter a true friendship - and for that - I am grateful to you all. You know who you are.

To anyone reading this that makes an assumption my balancing act as new mom is a reason not to have children, let me clear one thing up. Yes, parenthood is a herculean task. Yes, I want to strangle my husband for no reason because my kids won't stop crying. Yes, I no longer have gobs of money to spend on things just for myself. But I do it, because my parents did it. And I love my parents. And if my relationship with my children is anything like what I have with them, I will be forever indebted to God for blessing me with such grace.

This is all worth it if I can help assemble somewhat of a upstanding human being in the end, that will take care of me when I can't take of myself. I can guarantee you one thing, my husband and I will be much harder to diaper and change as old folks, then they are right now as our children - and for that - I will push through this servitude that is motherhood.